Confronting Reality

Their are times when we know what we ought to do and yet we still don't do it...

I am a classified b-s'er. I will give b-s- about so many areas in my life because mainly I am afraid of change. Of letting go of the negative and embracing the present. I am writing this blog mainly as a self accountability level, and to bring new levels of transparency into my life.
I recently have just turned 27, newly married, currently in college, and have a kid on the way.
The blessing of my wife is huge and has been one of the best things that has happened to my life. Our story is for another post.
Writing is something that we have been both been told we need to do by God, mentors, and random strangers in the grocery stores.
It's scary to write to about the depths of pain, joy, failure, etc. And one of my challenges of a man is being able to open up to about my past. I have gone through some intensives areas of abuse. But with that I have used my past abuse and brokenness to perpetuate into addition areas of brokenness.
God in His perfect timing is giving me the opportunity to walk into a new chapter of my life.

I have struggled with my weight since I was 13 years old. I have used my weight as a shield, and I haven't realized how much I isolate myself from places I don't feel safe or in control.

This last week has been a revelation of how much I am a control freak. One thing I vowed is that I would never be like my dad, the crazy control freak that he was.
Outwardly I seem very easy going, but once you start digging I lock down like a pit bull and you will not get me to budge.

The reason my weight is now being addressed so pointedly is because I am 70lbs over weight weighing at a whooping 253 today. 07/11/12.
I met my friend Ian today, who laid into me about my wife, my health, and my calling. I would have to be a complete idiot to not hear what the Lord is trying to tell me. I want to be able to dad who plays with my kids, and be around for their graduations, marriages, and my grand kids.

One thing that Ian said that just shook my to my core is that their is external safety. I don't know why but that almost made me start to weep in Starbucks. I realized that one of my deepest fears is that I am never truly safe. And the only safe place that I have is inside my own mind, which is a crazy and weird enough place as it is.

I have tried to lose weight before, but as soon as I start making progress and losing the weight. Instead of feeling motivated and excited, I get extremely afraid and feel out of control as people are making comments about my appearance.

I am abusing my spiritual calling by making it a false refuge, hiding in my gifting so I don't have to be holistic man complete in wisdom, strength, and understanding.
To be completely honest I am terrified of letting people into the closets and chests of my heart that contain the lies, secrets, mindsets that have held me back in life.

Yesterday, as I was driving the Lord was speaking to me, I had some revelation.
God: Nate, when do people start shutting down or creating distance?
Me: hmmm...out of the blue question....when I start calling out idols in people's lives. Telling them what they need to quit doing.
 God: Do you ever tell them what they are going to gain if they quit worshiping their idols? The benefits of me being close to their heart.
Me: No....
God: What if you quit worrying and being afraid of what your going to lose or be afraid in losing weight, but think of the benefits and long-term good that is going to come out of that.

It was for the joy set before Him that he endured the Cross.
Jesus had the long-term benefit and relational goal that was his internal motivation to keep going to the point of death.


As I lay down control and fear, I don't know whats ahead for me. But I know God's plans are not to harm me, but to prosper me and give me a hope and a calling.